I completely understand why someone wouldn’t want to see some of their phone contacts on their Monzo and/or let some of their phone contacts see that they have Monzo.
Issues with suggestion in post
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This suggestion does seem an overly complicated way of achieving that goal.
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All the emails/texts/notifications could also come across as spammy and annoying and have the feeling of a social media site rather than a bank.
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Furthermore, I think this implementation would discourage people from going through the process of accepting/requesting access to see other people’s Monzo accounts causing loads of Monzo’s “network” features to be redundant.
Alternative solution
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I think a better solution would be to initially allow Monzo access to all your contacts but also have an ability to “Block” a Monzo contact.
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Monzo contacts would be blocked the same way as non-Monzo contacts are currently deleted.
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After a contact is blocked, they would not appear in your Monzo contact list and you would not appear in their Monzo contact list.
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A blocked contact would still appear in Nearby Friends and you could still send money to them using Pay Anyone (but not using normal Monzo-to-Monzo payments).
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There would be a section in the app (probably in the profile section of the Account tab) where you can view contacts you’ve blocked, but not contacts who have blocked you (like blocking someone on Facebook, Snapchat etc…). You could also unblock people in this section.
I think this privacy issue is something Monzo should try to solve in the medium term since people are more and more worried about their privacy these days and it could put some off Monzo. Additionally I can see related serious issues occuring (eg: abusive relationship using Monzo as a method of contact).
NB: great detail in your post. In the future it might be worth using bullet points with spaces inbetween to make your post easier to read.