I have never listened to his music, nor the band he was in, but damn, this review is hilariously brutal. A must read.
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But never let it be said that Payne is boring and responsible: āKey unlocks the door, ticket on the floor.ā If itās a pay and display, thereāll be murder if itās not clearly visible. Stack It Up is halfway between a 2003 50 Cent single and the Tory manifesto: āIf you wanna stack it up,ā he advises, āyou gotta work for it.ā
On Familiar, he admires a lady whoās āshaped like a model or some kind of bottleā ā Orangina? Ketchup?
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Ouch!
Such are the accidental highs of an album empty of intentional humour, heart, or anything much human at all beyond base carnality. Its generic trap and Latin-tinged production and its many guest rappers suggest Payne is trying to keep pace with Drake and the Weeknd. He canāt, because his rank randiness lacks the sense of guilty pleasure that makes his Canadian contemporaries irresistible.
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This just brightened my morning 
This lyric will win awards: āshaped like a model or some kind of bottleā
Sad thing it it will sell gazillions which means heāll make LP2, LP3ā¦
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What rock were you living under? Itād surely be next to impossible not to hear 1D at some point in the UK.
I presumed that Simon meant that he didnāt go out of his way to listen to them - not that he somehow had never heard any of their music. 
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Even so, when they were famous I feel like it was shoved in our ears no matter where we went
Itās been a few years now, hasnāt it? Iām sure I probably did hear it at the time, but none of it made a lasting impression. I couldnāt name you a song.
I remember at one time, myself and a colleague both got given free VIP tickets to their show. My colleague immediately eBayed them for Ā£200.
I gave them to my niece who was 12 or 13 at the time. Because Iām a good Uncle 
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As if any of 1Dās fans read the Guardian