Hilariously brutal album review

I have never listened to his music, nor the band he was in, but damn, this review is hilariously brutal. A must read.

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But never let it be said that Payne is boring and responsible: “Key unlocks the door, ticket on the floor.” If it’s a pay and display, there’ll be murder if it’s not clearly visible. Stack It Up is halfway between a 2003 50 Cent single and the Tory manifesto: “If you wanna stack it up,” he advises, “you gotta work for it.”

On Familiar, he admires a lady who’s “shaped like a model or some kind of bottle” – Orangina? Ketchup?

:joy:

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Ouch! :joy:

Such are the accidental highs of an album empty of intentional humour, heart, or anything much human at all beyond base carnality. Its generic trap and Latin-tinged production and its many guest rappers suggest Payne is trying to keep pace with Drake and the Weeknd. He can’t, because his rank randiness lacks the sense of guilty pleasure that makes his Canadian contemporaries irresistible.

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This just brightened my morning :rofl:

This lyric will win awards: “shaped like a model or some kind of bottle”

Sad thing it it will sell gazillions which means he’ll make LP2, LP3…

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What rock were you living under? It’d surely be next to impossible not to hear 1D at some point in the UK.

I presumed that Simon meant that he didn’t go out of his way to listen to them - not that he somehow had never heard any of their music. :man_shrugging:

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Even so, when they were famous I feel like it was shoved in our ears no matter where we went

It’s been a few years now, hasn’t it? I’m sure I probably did hear it at the time, but none of it made a lasting impression. I couldn’t name you a song.

I remember at one time, myself and a colleague both got given free VIP tickets to their show. My colleague immediately eBayed them for £200.

I gave them to my niece who was 12 or 13 at the time. Because I’m a good Uncle :blush:

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As if any of 1D’s fans read the Guardian :rofl: