Which joke made you smile today?

This got me!

Interviewer: What would you consider one of your strengths’?

Me: I perform under pressure

Interviewer: Can you give me an example?

Me: deep breath
Um bum ba de,
Um bububum da de
PRESSURE, pushing down on me


It’s not a joke, but today I got reminded of the FENTON! dog video and cracked up for a good five minutes.


If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

That’s why people who lose their sense of humour have a heightened sense of their own importance.


How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
You poker face

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What’s the best thing about Switzerland? :switzerland:

I don’t know, but their flag is a big plus.


What’s the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

Bing sings and Walt disnae.


Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank the coffee before it was cool.

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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.” The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet… “How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman… The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “£150!” she cried, “£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now £150.”