So after alot of thinking, building up alot of savings and looking into things i’m finally looking at flats to rent. (Exciting)
My abusive parents have gotten to the point where I feel like this is my best option.
I work full time, my income after tax is £1300 every 4 weeks but can be more due to overtime.
I plan on living alone.
I’ve got £5k put aside from my regular savings for deposits, petrol for moving stuff, kettles, microwaves, beds, drawers etc. (Good trip to ikea that will be)
I turn 19 in 6 weeks time.
How do I go about telling abusive parents about this, my dads fine but I don’t live with him.
I just get told that renting is a waste of money all the time and I should live at home.
“Abusive parents” is a phrase that probably means different things to different people. If at all possible, I would suggest you try to keep on good terms with your family, and avoid deliberately burning bridges when you move out - but I appreciate that might not be possible in all circumstances.
You might find it helpful to frame the move more positively. So, instead than saying that you’re moving to get away from XYZ, instead you might say that you’re moving because you want more independence, to be closer to town, closer to friends, or something else along those lines.
You might also be able to offer your parents some reassurance about the move. If they’re worried about your finances, explain that you’ve done the calculations. If they’re worried they’ll miss you, you might say that you’ll keep in touch and see them regularly. It all depends on why you think they don’t want you to move out. They might be worried you’ll be lonely, that you don’t know how to cook, don’t know how to manage bills… honestly there could be a hundred different things.
Make sure you’ve done your research properly before you move, and make sure to keep a rainy day fund. Life is full of unexpected expenses. Remember that you might be able to get overtime easily now, but it might not be that way forever - don’t get too reliant on it.
Me and my mom/mum have not been on talking terms since I was 16. (She drinks way too much)
I get harassed constantly over my long hair, have my stuff gone through, I’ve had cash stolen and fear of ever bringing anyone back home due to my mom just not approving of them.
My dad lives away and I still regularly talk to him, I’m planning on running things over with my dad who is rational unlike my mother.
I’m using my basic pay to work out my living costs. (I get cheap food from work as I work in food distribution so this helps)
I can still put away a few hundred pounds a month.
Look into a flat share? Not only it’s cheaper and you won’t have bills to be worried about but the majority of them would be furnished so no need to buy any appliances. Plus you get housemates to socialise with which is very important in these times of remote working.
This is actually the biggest turn off of a flat/house share for me personally, and is the reason I moved from a house share into a flat on my own the moment I had certainty over a permanent job with my now employer, who I was contracting with at the time
Make you plans. Line things up. Have your moving out/in date set. Then tell you mother.
If you don’t have your plans ready before you tell an abusive parent, they will manipulate you into changing your mind and not making plans to move out.
If you’ve got your plans ready first, you can counter any attack they try on you with “This is happening, nothing you can say can change this.”
It will be difficult, but (tautology alert) doing what is best for you will be best for you. I hope you can remove yourself from what is clearly a problematic environment, and you should be applauded for it. I’m glad to hear you have a better relationship with your dad, at least.
I echo the other people commenting who have suggested that looking for flatshares may be better value for money than renting a flat on your own. It’s important to remember that while you may have issues living with one specific person, other people are different and the issues that troubled you before may not arise. (I say this largely because, for my part of the country, the budget you have would not suffice for living alone.)
Whatever you do, I wish you all the best and hope it works out well for you.
Flat/house shares are being considered or finding someone I trust to share with.
I have very few social connections, I pretty much go to work and then sit in my room all day when i’m not at work.
I feel like going to get help over my mental health problems is going to be something I need to take on before taking the next step. I have a fear of this due to my mother finding out that I went doctors. (I can lock medication in a safe)
I own a safe for the reasons in my last reply, I’ve even had a 1L bottle of vodka stolen.
My dads recommended getting the lock fixed on my door so I can lock it so I don’t have problems when I’m at work.
My mum has been unemployed for over 10 years and refuses to work so she is at home all the time.
Sorry for a paragraph I just am struggling to find any other way to vent this.
Don’t be sorry - having somewhere to talk is always a good thing, keeping it in is usually the bad thing.
Like others have said above:
Get things lined up and ready before committing to telling anyone.
Make sure you have a backup fund of some sort (I usually keep enough to cover a couple months worth of rent/mortgage if possible) in case something happens financially
Find what works well for you, I personally prefer a flat to myself so I don’t need to worry about others in the house and my property (obviously if you’re moving in with a friend you trust then it’ll be a different story).
On the back of living with someone - studio flats within a house share could be something you look out for, as it will offer you some privacy from others in the house (own bathroom kitchen etc) but you’ll still have the option to socialise with people in the house.
That’s my 2 cents really.
The only thing that I would add would be, try and break it to your mother easily and on somewhat good terms. I’m not in your situation nor do I know the whole context of what’s happening, but some time apart could do you both good so you never know.
I agree with what everyone has said. Both living on your own and with other people have their own benefits, I,e, your own freedom or having to socialise and knowing you have back up/support should your mother find out where you will be living
I’m still thinking about things but i’ve considered moving abroad (ireland because language and no visas, I have no qualifications) just so I can go somewhere where nobody knows me and I can start fresh.
I have started to really dislike the UK and how polarized it is.
Putting up with N26 will be the least of my worries I assume.
You might need a visa after January, that’s all still up in the air
Make sure you have a job lined up before you go, you’ll be in the same situation without qualifications in Ireland as you will in the UK ie it’s not very easy
Avoid areas around Dublin as they are very expensive and look into the cost of medical insurance
Why not spend some time getting your qualifications? Most/all further education colleges will provide basic maths and English
Personally I would consider other parts of the UK (including all the nations) before looking abroad. The UK is a big place. From previous posts I think you drive for a store, I’m not sure if that is home delivery or in logistics, but you would surely be able to transfer to another store/depot. This is one huge problem taken care of - continuous employment - no need to find a job and live off savings.
Would mirror that - a change of scene even if it’s not that drastic can do wonders. A long time ago I upended and moved to the opposite side of the country and I’m so glad I did.
This really isn’t enough of a reason to move to a new country. I appreciate more than most the desire for a fresh start but moving to an entirely new country is a HUGE decision and shouldn’t be based simply on what’s easiest.
Ireland is probably closer to the UK than anywhere else but it’s still an entirely different culture. You’d need to spend a significant amount of time over there before you knew it was right for you (which will require an investment of money and time). Also worth noting that it’s a fact that it’s more difficult for an immigrant to get a job than a native and, with no qualifications, you’ll most likely struggle to find something decent in what is a challenging economy. You should also consider that there is significant anti-English sentiment in much of Ireland (understandably some might say but that’s for another forum…)
